Assuming Women Could Not Possibly Be
Earlier this month, Minnesota senator Gene Dornink referred to Laura Haynor, representing the Air Line Pilots Association International, as a stewardess. Some thoughts:
Gendered language is generally frowned upon and unnecessary.
So if she were a “stewardess” you’d say “flight attendant” or “crew member.”
She told you repeatedly she was a pilot and you theoretically knew why you were there…right?!
This is not new to women and even less new to women of color. There are just a million reasons why society – in particular men, but not just men – assume a woman could not possibly be the thing she is. This BuzzFeed summary with some of the best tweets on the subject is a good overview.
To add to the gross factor here, this morning, I googled “Laura Haynor” and the first result was from Glamour, not the New York Times or Washington Post or CNN. I know some major news organizations covered this, but these results add to the feeling that it’s not even a big deal that this man embarrassed himself in this way!
And yes, he embarrassed himself whether he knows that or not.
To be clear, we all goof. We are distracted people and we get things wrong. For example, my dad recently adopted a dog, Phoebe. She’s similar in size and color to our Matilda Jane. I have barely called either of them the right name in the last two weeks for some reason. MJ has been Pheebs at least 10 times this week alone. However, my apology to these dogs for getting their names wrong is more genuine than Senator Dornink’s apology to First Officer Haynor.
Even assuming the best – he goofed, he does not at all assume women could not be pilots, etc. he needed to do better. Don’t blow it off by waving your hands and saying “I don’t know why I said that.”
Others will write about this with far more knowledge and experience than I will, but the inherent sexism and – dare I say – misogyny our culture builds into our very beings rears its ugly ahead over and over. I don’t know Senator Dornink at all or who he may truly be as a person. But if he cares about this issue, he had a chance to do better in the moment. At the very least, reflect later and choose to be a positive example! Here’s a free script:
“I apologize for not listening well to First Officer Haynor. I used antiquated gendered language which I need to eliminate from my vocabulary. I need to spend some time thinking on why I would assume a woman was a stewardess rather than a pilot – even when repeatedly told she was, in fact, a pilot. I am committed to doing better and learning from others.”
Bonus: make a donation to a relevant organization?
Honestly, I’m not a fan of the rampant cancellation of everyone who ever makes a mistake. We’re humans, we will mess up repeatedly. But I am even less of a fan of a refusal to take a moment as a public figure to do better – expect better of yourself, be clear about how you’ll do that, and set a good example for others in doing so. My faith leads me to believe that being a human who makes mistakes includes me. I need forgiveness a zillion times. We can call out bad behavior and make room for reconciliation when warranted and when there’s a clear will to do better!
I earned a Ph.D. in 2017. To my students I should be Professor or Doctor. I have lost track of the number of times I’ve been called Miss (am I 12 years old?). I introduce myself in classes as Dr. and set that expectation. I am also clear that I use two last names, but that is rarely acknowledged in most professional settings! Here’s a brief glimpse into my experience:
I have lost track of the number of emails I receive from students calling me Mrs.
I could tell you about countless meetings the last four years where my boss is referred to as Dr. and I am just referred to by my first name.
I watch male colleagues without an earned doctorate be referred to as doctor with the greatest of ease, while other female colleagues also face being called Mrs. routinely. (Side note: Mrs. is also outdated – we don’t denote marital status for men in titles…let’s stick to Ms. for adults please!)
To be clear, I don’t need anyone outside students or a conference bio to call me doctor. In my regular life, the vast majority of people call me by a family nickname. When it’s my turn at the doctor’s office, I’m Ms. and that is accurate and totally fine by me. In meetings with colleagues or outside vendors, I’m very happy to be Bethany. But I expect that if I am Bethany, we’re using first names all around, and that’s almost never been the case.
Frankly, it’s exhausting to read these stories and to be reminded of how little progress we’ve made in treating women like equal professionals. It’s exhausting to correct people. It’s exhausting to feel like your accomplishments are devalued because of your gender.
And yet, I don’t actually think the vast majority of this is intentional – most people are not trying to offend (despite our 24 hours coverage of how offensive America is in general). Most people also aren’t going to work to actively upend systems that benefit them! Until more people make a conscious effort to be intentional about doing better, we’ll keep having to say “I’m a first officer,” “I’m a pilot,” “It’s Dr., not Mrs.”
Some things to think about (and these aren’t even some of the “big” dates we tend to reference…):
1969: California adopts the first “no fault” divorce law
1971: U.S. Supreme Court forbids discrimination in hiring women with preschool aged children
1974: women can get credit cards without a husband…1974.
1975: We stop excluding women from juries. Legally.
1984: Mississippi finally signs off on women voting…
1993: Marital rape became a crime in all 50 states. 1993.
These dates are not that long ago. If you are one of the many, many people who seem to wonder why women are so annoyed by all this nonsense, do some reflection and do better.