Boundaries + Intentional Disconnection + Other Strategies for Avoiding Burn Out
Once upon a time I experienced what I think I can fairly call extreme burn out. I’m listing only my professional responsibilities for that time here:
I was working a 40 hour a week job in the midst of significant organizational change and leading an organizational-wide system change. 40 hours was a cute number!
I was teaching adjunct classes (in person from 6-10 p.m. on 1-2 nights a week).
I was taking my required full-time load for my Ph.D. program and prepping for comps.
I was working as a TA for my Ph.D. program.
I was working as an RA for my Ph.D. program.
Hmmmm. I look back at that list and without even bullet pointing my life responsibilities, my attempts to manage relationships, the tiny space left for my own faith practice…it’s easy to see this wasn’t a great point in time for my humanity! The good news was that getting home at 11 p.m. from teaching often came with a giant bowl of popcorn compliments of my spouse. And enthusiastic greetings from three four-legged creatures who thought I was still the greatest. I was not my greatest self, but I appreciated their thoughts. During this time, the vast majority of my life bullet points were being absorbed by my spouse (incredible support and my #1 fan). But…no matter how easy we could make the life part, the work part of it was so out of whack I really could not physically or mentally continue at that pace.
I ultimately reached a breaking point after passing my Ph.D. comps and my spouse and I found a way for me to step back from my full time job. Of course, I offered to slow roll it and went part-time for a bit. I mean how could I just up and leave my job? How could they do it without me (mega eyeroll to my past self). I went more part-time. And then barely time before I moved to adjunct teaching only while writing my dissertation. I’m not sure I recommend that particular strategy, but it did allow me to finish the project I cared about deeply and feel like I was serving my organization well (ingrained work ethic + strong feelings on stewardship + working for a missionally focused faith-based organization will do that to you…that’s a different post).
The Warning Signs of Burn Out
You can find ample research and anecdotal writing for how to avoid burn out, what it looks like, etc. But I suspect most of us know what that looks like for ourselves. For me it includes such symptoms as:
increased anxiety and general meh-ness,
being very easily frustrated with my favorite people,
taking work more personally and offering less grace to colleagues in daily interactions,
veering into existential crisis territory of questioning what am I even doing and why,
starting to avoid the things I need to get done because it feels too hard to get started/prioritize/function,
feeling stuck and without hope of things getting better.
The good news is that after my near breakdown from my experience with Total Burn Out, I have learned to watch for that in myself and to set better workplace boundaries to protect myself as a self! Now, when any of those bullet points start flashing warning signs I’ve learned to remind myself that is simply not how I want to live this one life I get! So I revisit my boundaries, how I am implementing them well or not, and how I am taking my own advice to regularly disconnect from work. Honestly, sometimes the person that needs to meet my boundaries most of all is me!
Workplace Boundaries
You have to take personal responsibility for your own boundaries – you cannot expect your organization to manage that for you or even to encourage it! In the vast majority of cases, it’s not that the people who make up the organization don’t care. From my own experience and hearing stories from others over the last few decades, I have three anecdotally supported theories about why organizations allow employees to get to burnout without taking action or noticing:
(1) Organizations want to get as much as they can from their investment (you), especially if on a tight budget or functioning with limited resources (especially nonprofits).
(2) Most of us operate without exceptional workplace boundaries – if we do not state or honor our own boundary, we cannot expect others to honor the boundary.
(3) U.S. culture is pretty self-absorbed. We don’t always notice someone is burning out or already burnt all the way out because we focus too much on ourselves!
As I learned in conducting research for my dissertation, the imbalance we find in managing work and life is sometimes further complicated by working in faith-based organizations because the pull to missional alignment is strong and feels extra personal. In my own faith tradition of Christianity rest is kind of a big deal in our sacred text and yet… we convince ourselves we have to work ourselves as close to death as we can for Jesus. Haven’t quite found that in my own reading of the bible but it feels like a very Americanized interpretation somehow!
There’s more to say on all of that than I can in this already quite long post! However, I will say the thing that has helped me most in the last four years of being back in a highly demanding role is finding and honoring my boundaries (in both work and life!). The absolute best reading I’ve done on boundaries comes from therapist and author Nedra Glover Tawwab. I have the page-a-day calendar by our dogs’ food in the pantry this year so I see it and am reminded to honor my boundaries well first thing every morning! [Resources + Books]
This work does not come easily for me or particularly naturally so I must be consistent in my effort to do it well. Of course, boundaries will shift and change as life does, but being consistent about checking in with myself on my boundaries has made a huge difference for me in every stage. The number one push on my boundaries comes from external forces of others being “worked up” or insistent “something needs to be done rightthisveryminute.” That comes up in personal and professional settings, but for this post, I’ll advise where I’m more qualified and discuss the tendency towards making all work things emergent.
Only Emergencies are Emergencies
Both employees and employers must work on changing our cultural addiction to work. That’s a big task though, so the framework I’ve developed for myself in honoring my own work boundaries is “nothing I do is an actual emergency.”
Practical Advice for Individuals
Set boundaries around what you can do and what you will not. When I took my current job, I was clear in the offer stage that needing to be connected 24 hours a day or being expected to respond to email extensively after hours would be a deal breaker. That’s actually not the same choice others make on my team or across the university…and that’s also fine! I’m responsible for me.
Honor what you will do. Do not let your boundaries turn you into someone who is never available or responsive because “boundaries.” That’s as unhealthy as no boundaries! I am reasonably responsive to email. The people I work with know that because they see that as a consistent part of my personal work ethic. The truth is, when you are responsible employee who is reasonably responsive, 99.999999% of people will respect and honor that.
Equally honor what you said you will not do. I rarely check email after hours unless I know a student needs me during a specific time, there’s an going issue with potential escalation, or we have something major going on project-wise that might need my attention. My boss knows that and respects it. So our deal is if there’s something that truly needs my attention after hours, he is welcome to call or text and I will happily address what’s needed. I think he’s done that twice in four years. Because again, the vast majority of what feels panic-inducing critical can wait.
Honor your work in the time you give it. When I am working I am focused and committed to my day. As a human some days look more focused than others, of course, but I have phone settings to reduce distraction and my family and friends know that I’ll respond when I take a break or after I’m done for the day unless there’s an emergency (real emergency – not a loved one needing to know someone’s address or if their shoes look okay with their outfit, etc.).
Find your space to be a human. When you take time off, take time off. The U.S. obsession with checking email on vacation is whacko. PTO is compensated. (Yes, I understand there are jobs where this is more impossible – that’s a choice you might make…for most people it simply does not have to be that way). When I am out, I have a clear out of office message. While travelling for work, I make sure people know who to contact and that I anticipate checking in as I can. When I am out for me I am clear that I am intentionally disconnected so people do not expect to hear from me. And so I hopefully set a good example to our internal culture of it being okay to be disconnected! Not one person has told me they were offended by that wording, but numerous people have said “oh, I need to do that!”
I do this when I am taking a loaf day, I do that when I am on week long vacation, I do this when I am taking a half day off just because I feel stressed and need a break!
Find regular true disconnection. While finishing my Ph.D. I worked for a wonderful professor who put a note about her weekly Sabbath hours in her syllabus. That was in the midst of the extreme burn out I was in. And it hit me really, really hard. This professor had a spouse and young kids, was in the midst of multiple major projects including writing a book, and was an exceptional professor. If she could do that, what was stopping me?
I began implementing a similar practice and am clear with employees and students I truly disconnect on Sundays, never opening email. It changed my life to have this one day fully disconnected from work. It also works because I communicate it clearly and people know what to expect. For employees with less experience it creates a good practice of ensuring they have what they need from me before I am out. For students who often grew up in an “always on, instant response” environment, they learn there are other choices!
Vacation when you are a full time administrator and always teaching is sometimes wonky. I can fully disconnect from the administrator role but not the teaching role – students need regular interaction and responses despite my personal schedule, of course. To help with this, I list for students in the online course shell when I will be checking in while travelling. My practice – and our policy – is instructors are available 5 of 7 days without 2 consecutive days of being unavailable. So if a vacation travel plan makes it impossible to connect with students on a Saturday, I will check in on Sunday instead. Boundaries can be flexible and still achieve our outcomes.
Practical Advice for Employers
Model and encourage rest. If you supervise others it is critical that you both model taking time off and encourage your team to do the same. I have been extremely purposeful with the team I’ve supervised in the last four years in doing these things. Employees watch what you do far more than committing what you develop into policy or say you practice.
Model and encourage true disconnection. If someone working for me is out, I don’t contact them. In fact, I often avoid sending stuff to them until they’re back just in case they are lurking in their inbox! If you just cannot be a person who disconnects at least schedule emails, avoid chat pings, etc. so employees do not feel undue pressure to respond to you in off hours. Again, what you say matters, but what you do is what employees think they need to do!
Where you can give more room to be a human do it. Advocate for policies where you can, create standards of practice where you can’t. Can someone run to the dentist without taking PTO? If your team just pulled off a huge event can you offer a 1/2 day off the next week as a thank you? Good areas to advocate for improved policies include parental leave, bereavement leave, and summer hours.
I speak to these ideas and others more here.