Navigating Boundaries in Personal and Professional Life
I don’t recall when I first started thinking about boundaries or it became a bit of a buzz word, but I am confident that at an earlier point in my life I was terrible at setting and honoring them. Over time, I learned to be much better about them both personally and professionally, and you can read more about that journey in this post.
As part of my work on boundaries, I read Nedra Glover Tawwab’s Set Boundaries, Find Peace. During 2024, I used her page-a-day calendar to help reinforce what I worked on by reading her book and going through the accompanying workbook. I kept the calendar in the pantry where I start my daily routine with our dogs. (Archer will remind me he needs his dental chew before a very specific point of his morning if I happen to forget…)
I’ve been stopped in the tracks of my morning routine more than a few times this year with an important reminder or wake-up call. In early December, I saved the page to remind me to write about it here!
Glover Tawwab says:
“There is no such thing as the perfect employee, and you can have ethical boundaries and still be a good employee, coworker, or entrepreneur.”
That one got me – I spent tons of time in my early career being afraid I wasn’t fast enough to respond to an email, that I didn’t “give enough” of myself to a demanding work project, or that if I let anything drop I’d be immediately fired or my family would hate me. (Neither situation likely in my case, but I do know there are jobs and families that feel this high pressure for some readers!)
But what is an ethical boundary? What you find when setting boundaries is a pretty immediate pushback from colleagues or family or friends who are less receptive to such ideas. There’s a temptation with setting boundaries to give up because it feels too hard or to go to the other extreme and withdraw from flexibility entirely.
I’ve observed in our individualistic American culture that we tend to waffle between two extremes of “self-care isn’t selfish” and being burnt out doormats.
Neither of those extremes is ideal in my point. One one end of this continuum, if my self-care includes $300 of massages each month but my family grocery budget isn’t cutting it, I likely need to re-evaluate. And on the other end of the spectrum, if my boss expects me to respond instantly to texts regardless of the hour (and I’m not an on-call surgeon)…I likely need to re-evaluate.
I spent time this past week watching the coverage of Jimmy Carter’s funeral with my wise dad. We started talking about this topic a bit in light of the incredible life example given by Rosalynn and Jimmy Carter. The media – rightfully – spent a good bit of time discussing Carter’s service to others. He and Rosalynn set an example worth following in many ways. And, of note, they prioritized their faith and relationship in ways that seemed to work well for them and leave them able to serve others. At least to an outside observer it seems they thrived in spite of great demands on time and energy. They found some sort of work/life integration – deeply rooted in their faith – that allowed them to be somewhere between these modern extremes.
I don’t imagine there was a selfish bone in either of their bodies. I also can’t imagine a world in which either of them told their children or neighbors or colleagues “I can’t do that, I need to focus on me.” When driving near Plains over the years, I always imagined if I got a flat tire and had the fortune to see President Carter walking nearby he’d probably come help me sort it out. But I think it’s equally as likely that as very busy people with the platform they held, they set boundaries.
Hear me clearly – we must take care of ourselves. Frankly, failing to do that well is what leads to burnout and makes it nearly impossible to be of much use to others or care well for the people we love. But I think we’ve shifted the pendulum a bit too far in some ways – we create boundaries that are walls around us and limit our chances to connect, to serve, and to flourish.
Interestingly, as I began to think about this post, I received an email newsletter from Glover Tawwab, stating:
“Some of us are alone because we’re not inviting people into our lives. We’re not being vulnerable. We’re not including others in our daily activities and experiences. Then, when we need someone, there’s no one to turn to—because we never brought them in.
Part of this, I think, stems from the recent cultural focus on self-motivation, self-improvement, self-care, and even self-sabotage. We’ve gone through all the selfs and have become well-versed in prioritizing ourselves. While it’s true that we need time for introspection and self-care, we also need time with others. That’s the part we may have overlooked.”
My commitment to myself and my family this year is to continue to honor a healthy balance that works well (and to be willing to reconsider when it seems it doesn’t work well!). I hope that as many of us set and re-set our goals and dreams and boundaries for the year, we do that with a focus on connection and invitation, too. The temptation to use boundaries only as walls to exclude, avoid, and ignore can be strong!
A Personal Case Study
I think that for most of us an ethical boundary likes somewhere between the extremes. Here’s an example from my own experience that has been effective – an email response boundary.
Early in my teaching experience I felt very burnt out from the need to email students at what felt like all times. I had the good fortune of working for a professor during my Ph.D. who posted clearly in her syllabus about her Sabbath and it changed my life. I was concerned at first that I wasn’t important enough – or direct enough – to get away with such a clear boundary but I felt empowered to try. And so for the last 8 years or so I have made it work.
I am clear with students that they can expect a response from me within 24 hours except for Sundays or other clearly stated exceptions.
I honor that commitment to my students, but also give myself a break from feeling like I need to respond in 5 minutes.
Students know I respond quickly but value responding well – so I’m unlikely to answer you from the grocery checkout line! But I will answer you promptly and thoroughly within the boundaries I set.
I do not respond on Sundays because I’ve been clear that’s a disconnect day for me to focus on my faith and family.
Students believe me when I say I won’t respond on Sundays (because I don’t) but know I will respond promptly on Mondays (because I do).
I build trust with my students in this way, but also honor my own boundary and need for a day of self-care and disconnect from work.
This also works because it’s a fair boundary – I respond 6 out of 7 days and students get what they need from me. But it’s also fair to me – I get a day to not be “on,” to ignore email entirely, and to recharge my spirit and brain a bit.
A Canine Case Study
Here’s a slightly different illustration of how boundaries work. (Again, read Glover Tawwab first…life changing!) Over the last year or so our senior dog was experiencing a decline in health, including dog dementia. Matilda was a dog with pretty clear boundaries from the time she joined our family at 9 months old. But aging, feeling less amazing, and experiencing confusion only aided her quest to be great at boundaries.
When our dog Archer joined our family a little over two years ago, we watched Matilda set clear boundaries for him about what shenanigans she would and would not abide. Poor little puppy Arch experienced some real crushing blows to his spirit trying to convince her to reconsider! He had few boundaries and little understanding of them or interest in learning.
And then a month ago, after suffering the loss of our Matilda and realizing Archer needed a buddy to live his best life…Olive arrived. And now we’ve spent the last few weeks watching adult Archer set his own boundaries, correct her, and tell her when he will and will not play with her and which toys she can choose. The irony is likely lost on him, but not us!
Puppies generally arrive with few manners and zero awareness of when to give another creature space. But baby Olive is learning, because Archer is clear, consistent, and thorough. When she pushes too hard, he lets her know. And when he has space in his busy schedule to be goofy with her, he does (spoiler alert: he actually has a lot of space for this).
In our dog losses and additions over the years, the adjusting has never come instantly or easily. However, as the humans, my husband and I have done our best to let them sort it out between themselves. We get involved when the house might suffer, a human has a dog flying towards their face, etc. But otherwise, we trust that they know themselves and can prioritize that effectively.
Humans (quite obviously, I think!) do not do this as effectively in many cases. There are humans who really struggle with boundaries in many contexts, perhaps especially when the financial security of a job feels at stake. There are bosses who bulldoze boundaries and family members who emotionally manipulate those trying to set them.
However, much like the less-experienced professor I was a decade ago thinking I could never find time to disconnect…we have to try! Adjustments may be needed and like most worthy endeavors, it takes time. I had many days early on in my email disconnect boundary where I peaked to see if I was missing something vital! When the university is closed on Mondays that means I either check in on the holiday or adjust my Sunday plan. Boundaries need not be perfect or rigid to support our goals. My priority was to alleviate the need to be “on” 7 days a week and make better space for faith and family. Overwhelmingly that’s been the case more often than not.
If you’re looking for support with boundaries, you know what to read next. And if you have ideas to share in the comments about what works for you, feel free!