Unapologetically Myself
On abandoning external perspectives and listening to one's self in middle age
I suppose this title could come across as aggressive (that tends to happen to women when we are direct). Women get called all kinds of things for being straightforward or unapologetically ourselves. But I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and processing on this lately and I thought it might be helpful to share the thinking behind this for others in the same boat.
The Spark of Doubt
It is far too easy to let other peoples’ views of us mess with our heads and plans. I had an experience with a professional contact* some months ago that allowed a false narrative to take root in my head for too many days.
I was troubled by their thinking but more than that I was troubled by my allowing it to build some false idea of who I am and what I am capable of in my own head space.
I did some hard work the last many weeks trying to climb out of it. And I started to use it as fuel to inspire me to do some things I'd been waiting to do. I know my worth, my value, and the path I am on. I'm not really accepting external commentary on it in my 40s.
The Differences Between Internal, Insider, and External Commentary
I have learned to deeply value my own internal commentary (some days with more of a grain of salt than others). If I am doing the hard work of caring for myself well, I can rightly claim to know myself best and to “trust my gut.” The persistent knocking of imposter syndrome is there for most of us if we’re honest, but when it can be ignored I think our internal thinking on ourselves can - and should - matter most.
Insider commentary is a very limited circle for me. It includes me, my spouse, and a very small group of family/friends. These are people who know me well, whose opinions I value and trust, and who can call me out on my nonsense when needed. I think that for all of us are insider list should be fairly small - I don’t need most people who know me to weigh in on big decisions. However, I deeply value and respect these insider voices - my spouse or dad or BFF saying, “well, have you thought about this?” when I’m mulling over A Big Deal should matter because they know me well.
One other thought on insider commentary, is that our insiders might not be insiders for all things. For example, I’m not asking my spouse for advice on how to get bullion knots right - my stitching friends are the insiders and experts on that! But for the core questions of who I am and what I do and how I move in the world, the circle of opinions are fairly limited. I’ve learned to keep that circle smaller and smaller as I get older, actually.
Finally, external commentary. This is for everyone else including people who I just met, who barely know me, or who have misunderstood me. The term external here does not mean we might not also be friends, family, or long-term colleagues, but that in the big deal questions I referenced above, their opinion has not made it to insider status. For some people, it just might one day. For others, it never will and that’s okay.
There are plenty of people at work whose thinking and opinions I hold in high esteem and would consider more valuable in weighing in on areas where they are experts. However, being an expert in X does not make you an expert on me! No matter how much we like our colleagues, for most of us, in most scenarios they don’t need to know our most personal business, when we’re job hunting, or if we’re pondering leaving our current role. Boundaries matter at work and we are not a family at work (even when we work in faith-based environments!).
The idea that all relationships must be close in the same way is silly. The idea that are colleagues must serve a deep, meaningful role in our decisions is often unnecessary and sometimes unhealthy. The expectation that everyone we meet will somehow know us well enough to meaningfully weigh in is unrealistic and imbalanced. Rather, approaching life with an awareness of circles of advisors and confidantes is a more sustainable approach.
What I Got Wrong
So here’s what I got wrong recently: I let a another person’s opinion and suggestions talk louder than my own internal commentary. Even with some gentle prodding from my insider circle of advisors, I was still stuck in my own head on this for longer than I’d like to admit. And yet…I got back to me in time and I learned a valuable lesson.
As I pushed myself to consider this interaction, I determined that if this person - or anyone - doesn't see me for me or get who I am? That is such a bummer - for them.
I share all this for the sake of transparency and helping others get out of a funk faster than I did. We all hit road blocks of valuing someone else’s opinions more than ours and let it derail us sometimes. This latest experience really shook me up a bit and made me more determined than ever to listen to me first.
I know better and yet I still let it bug me for too long! However, I know I have a solid circle of insiders who will call me out if ever I need it again (spoiler alert: I will). And I know to start with me and trust my understanding of who I am first.
Suggested Reading
If you’ve read my musings long, you know I highly recommend the work of Nedra Glover Tawwab. Here are a few posts I think are especially helpful for coming out of people-induced funk:
*And by the way this person is a lovely person who just doesn’t know me well enough to comment (yes, that should generally stop us from commenting but we all goof).