When women uphold policy we often get pushback – not just from men, but especially so. We are bossy – or other b-words. We are annoying. We are insistent. We are “not fair” even when providing a consistent answer. Giving basic feedback to a male employee can land us in tough spots of feeling tattled on at best and threatened at worst. We often experience escalation to supervisors or find ourselves softening our words to avoid it all.
That is not a healthy workplace dynamic but exists in nearly all workplaces.
Even the men who most often describe themselves as liberated feminists will pushback and create workplace drama. Frankly so will other women! Misogyny and internalized misogyny are deeply embedded in American culture.
It’s frankly hard to understand how much this behavior is interwoven into our corporate, nonprofit, and faith-based workplaces. I’ve observed this my whole life and been irritated by it just as long. I remember being a little girl and wondering why women were treated certain ways and wondering if it would be different for me by the time I grew up. Spoiler alert: it’s not different yet. At least not significantly so. Occasionally, I ponder how so many people can act so foolish for so long. And then I remember: Ah yes, because it’s hard to be inspired to change when the patriarchy serves you so well!
Received push back for giving reasonable, accurate feedback and been dismissed as the expert in the room despite said credentials, experience, and position of authority.
Had male students get physically in my face when they disliked a grade or bit of feedback.
Been called Miss or Mrs. repeatedly by students, mostly male students.
Had male employees question direction from female supervisors repeatedly when I never heard the same re: male supervisors.
Been addressed by gender in emails addressed to employees who happened to all be female as “ladies” as if that’s relevant to our work or is anyone’s name.
Been condescended to as if I could not possibly understand a topic despite – again – experience, institutional knowledge, position, and authority to speak to the issue.
It. Is. Exhausting. The choice to call it out or ignore it, the choice to archive obnoxious emails instead of replying or joining in the ridiculous game playing of machismo.
Again, this is not about my specific employer, this behavior has existed in every place I’ve worked. And every place I’ve observed. And every place I have close friends and family with experience. I was sexually harassed in an early job by a male coworker twice my age. In nearly every job I’ve had I’ve been blatantly asked about why I don’t have children and frequently told I will definitely change my mind (as if all women without children made a choice). As with other women, I’ve experienced the expectation of flexibility to monitor work issues because I don’t have kids to usher to activities at night. (Interesting side note – the childless drama is far less gender-specific as my husband has experienced similar behavior from women in his work experiences!)
I left a job where I was told the detailed work and progress I’d made was not advanced work. This work included multiple full system implementations and web development from scratch (in the days before easy-to-DIY solutions). I was told I was a secretary, just like another lady the board chair knew who occasionally updated an existing website. At nearly every job I’ve had I’ve been treated as someone’s secretary and often called one. Yes, even the jobs post-Ph.D. To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with the work we used to call secretarial. My mother was an exceptional administrative assistant throughout much of her own career. But (a) we no longer call this work secretarial and (b) I don’t do that work. And didn’t then.
Of course, it’s not just men who treat women this way. Women do this to each other. It’s deeply embedded into our cultural DNA. But my own experience has been mostly men treating me this way.
I have also had the joy of working with many men – including my own father – who don’t behave this way. Who speak up when they see it. Who call it out for what it is. But that’s far from the norm. For those who do speak up there’s a boundary at some point for self-preservation. And for every man who is an ally to working women, there are many others who aren’t.
I used to think I was a pessimist but these days I consider myself an annoyed optimist. Despite all this, I still find myself thinking we can do better. Longing for more men to be more self-aware and others-aware. To speak up and call it out. And hoping that the kids I love will have a better experience when they start working. We have about 5 years to start doing better America. Please try harder.
